Smorgyboard Saturday--LOST IN OZ

Today's offering was something I wrote last Halloween in about a day for some friends to use in their Hallowen "pageant" at work. They performed it at the Fresno County Office of Education. It's a three-story building with a central lobby/courtyard/foyer area, so there are several references to someone entering from another floor, etc.

The other "inside" joke was that Jim and Jennifer were an item--hence the ending.

The cast (at least the people I know) was as follows:

DORTHY: Jennifer Quinn
SCARECROW: Denise Miller
TIN MAN: Keri Sheaffer
COWARDLY LION: LuAnn McCaslin
WIZARD: Jim Yovino

LOST IN OZ

 (LIGHTS UP)

(DOROTHY, SCARECROW, TIN MAN, & LION walk in. They are clearly lost. SCARECROW is carrying a map and studying it. The rest are arguing for a brief moment. They all stop as DOROTHY begins.)

DOROTHY

(Annoyed) Hey, hey, hey…HEY! Everybody just pipe down for a minute and let me think! Now, Glenda said to follow the yellow-brick road, right?

TIN MAN

Yeah, but she didn’t tell you it split off three different ways once you hit Winkie Country.

LION

Well, you’re the one who told us to come this way.

TIN MAN

Sorry! It wasn’t a freakin’ expressway the last time I went through.

LION

Did ya forget you were stuck rusting in a field for an eternity and that maybe, just maybe, things might have changed?

TIN MAN

I’m sorry! I didn’t see you offering any suggestions.

LION

How’d I get dragged into this thing anyway? I was perfectly happy in my forest…

DOROTHY

Being a big ol’ sissy.

LION

I was perfectly happy in my forest livin’ my life until you came along…

DOROTHY

No one forced you to come with us.

TIN MAN

Yeah. You chose to come with us, and you’ve spent the whole time complaining. You lions are all the same.

LION

What do you mean you lions? I oughta kick you in the cans right now you walking junkyard!

TIN MAN

Bring it on ya fleabag!

LION

Oh! Now I have fleas because I’m a lion, huh?

DOROTHY

Stop it! Now! I’m tired of this! We need to just focus for a minute and think.  (Sighs) This is what we get for listening to a witch.

LION

(Under his breath) We’re listening to one right now…

DOROTHY

(Glares at LION) I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that…

SCARECROW

(Looks up from map) I think if we go that way…

LION

Oh, what do you know straw-for-brains?! Gimme that thing. You’ve stared it long enough.

(LION grabs map. TIN MAN grabs other side of it as he begins to speak)

TIN MAN

Hey! You don’t know any better than he does!

LION

Well, you have no idea how to use it!

TIN MAN

That’s not what your mother said!

(They pull the map back and forth until it rips)

DOROTHY

Now you’ve done it. Great job guys! What now?

SCARECROW

(Chuckles to self) We are definitely not in Kansas anymore.

(TIN MAN and LION roll their eyes and groan.)

LION

(Looks around) Can someone get this schmuck some brains, please?

DOROTHY

This is ridiculous. I’m calling Glenda. 

(She pulls out cell phone. A phone rings in the distance, maybe on another floor, a loud, obnoxious song, maybe a rap song)

GLENDA

(Sweetly) Hello?

DOROTHY

Glenda? Hey. It’s Dorothy. We seem to be a in a bit of a pickle here.

GLENDA

Oh? Well, did you follow the yellow brick road?

DOROTHY

Yeah, yeah we did.

GLENDA

Ok, then. What seems to be the problem?

DOROTHY

Well, we ran into a bit of trouble around Winkie Country.

GLENDA

Winkie Country? Oh my. You really are lost…(Giggles)

SCARECROW

She’s right there (Points to GLENDA).

LION

(Turns to see her) Hey! Pollyanna! Get your smiling face over here and point us in the right direction.

(GLENDA comes to where they are.)

GLENDA

You just follow the yellow brick road…

(She goes to leave. TIN MAN and LION block her way. She snaps.)

You best be gettin’ out mah way! I’m fi'in’a get my herr did! Y’all are on your owns! I told you to follow the yellow brick road! I didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout no Winkie Country! I can’t help it if you can’t follow directions!

(As he exits she mumbles to herself, complaining)

TIN MAN

Who knew the north was so ghetto?

DOROTHY

What now? All I want to do is get home…(She starts to cry)

SCARECROW

Don’t cry pretty lady…(He begins to pet her hair)

(Suddenly, there’s a loud noise. The WICKED WITCH appears on another floor cackling loudly. She descends down, laughing the whole time. Making a scene.)

LION

(As she’s coming) What fresh hell is this?

WICKED WITCH

So you’re lost, huh? HAHAHAHA! I told you I’d get you my pretty! And your little dog too! HAHAHAHAHA!!! (Takes a deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

DOROTHY

(Takes stuffed dog out. Hands it to her) Here. Take him.

WICKED WITCH

(Surprised) Oh. Really? Just like that? That was easy I guess. Well, You’ll never make it to the Emerald City! You’ll never get to see the Wizard! AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

(WIZARD appears at top of stairs. He is wearing sunglasses. He looks and talks like a mobster, a total goomba. He makes his way down as he talks)

WIZARD

Hey! Who’s a’talkin’ about me? What’s a’goin’ on here? What’s all dis commotion?

DOROTHY

FINALLY!! Look, all we want is a heart for him (points), some courage for him (points), some brains for him (points), and I just wanna go back to Kansas.

WIZARD

Well. I’m glad you came to see me. It just so happens that I’m the man that can make things happen.

(Approaches TIN MAN). Why do you want a heart my friend?

TIN MAN

So I can love. So I can feel emotion.

WIZARD

(Punches TIN MAN.) Did ya feel dat?

(TIN MAN nods, says ‘Ow’, something like that)

 Then bada-bing! There ya go!

(Goes to LION)

What’s new pussycat? What can I do for you?

LION

I came looking for some courage.

WIZARD

(Pulls a flask or bottle out of his jacket. Hands it to LION.)

Bada-bing! Liquid courage!

(Goes to WICKED WITCH. He’s startled by her appearance.)

Whoa! What’s goin’ on here?

WICKED WITCH

What?

DOROTHY

She’s not with us…I think the Scarecrow is next.

(SCARECROW is busy playing with his hands, maybe the ‘here is the church, here is the steeple’ game. He’s amusing himself.)

WIZARD

Whoa! I think I can tell what this guy needs.  (He taps SCARECROW). Hey. Do you know what this is? (He pulls a small can out his pocket.)

SCARECROW

That’s Shinola.

WIZARD

Bada-bing! Smarter that most people!

(To DOROTHY.) Now. What about you?

DOROTHY

I just wanna get the heck outta here!

WIZARD

Where ya from again?

DOROTHY

Kansas

WIZARD

Whoa! Kansas? You don’t wanna go back there! You should stick around. Stay here. I bet I could find a spot for you in the Emerald City somewhere.

You’re kinda cute you know that?

(She smiles and giggles. They hold hands and start to walk up the stairs or just walk away).

WICKED WITCH

You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve been trying to get on at the Emerald City forever! This isn’t fair! Darn foreigners coming in and taking our jobs!

(DOROTHY pulls a squirt gun or water bottle out of her basket and sprays WICKED WITCH with water. WICKED WITCH does her ‘I’m melting’ routine. All of the others cheer.)

 END

They won "Best in Show"